ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
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