dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
