he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
