did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
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My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
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All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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