you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
you never un-have a 4some
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
