Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i just google imaged poop.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
