Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
