Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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