She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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