I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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