i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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