hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
