Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
