John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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