So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize