Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My balls are so social today.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
