Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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