turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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