I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
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It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
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I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
is it fun? or sober?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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