She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Sober January is a disaster.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
