proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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