Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
