you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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