Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
