Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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