Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
