I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
