My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Less talking, more tequila
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
