I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
