you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
cat food counts as protein by the way
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
