I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i already hear my dad disowning me
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
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THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
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Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You did what with his pubic hair?
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