I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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