I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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