Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
