yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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