What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
