I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
