I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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