Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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