just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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