The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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