I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
