anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
