just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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