my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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