every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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