Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
