At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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