Hey man sorry I got all grabby
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
