I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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