cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I need moral support for this bender
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
