Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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