I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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