dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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